Flash A-ah!

The 1980 Flash Gordon movie may not be known as great cinema but to connoisseurs of bad sci fi it is somewhat of a masterpiece. Durring the post Star Wars sci fi boom of the late '70s and '80s we were treated on both the big and small screens to the likes of Buck Rogers In The 25th Century, Disney's The Black Hole, Battlestar Galactica (the original and ONLY real one), Roger Corman's Battle Beyond The Stars and of course Dino De Laurentiis's, Flash Gordon. Flash has it all: goofball acting, flashy sets, rocket ships and rayguns. The costumes alone are staggering, Ming's guards consist of at least a dozen different troop types. There is one thing though that sets Flash apart from it's contemporaries, they all stuck to the de-facto classical theme music while Flash, well, Flash rocks!



Yes, with it's music by Queen, that was even a selling point for the film. I'm not a big fan of Queen, I really don't consider myself a fan at all. Thanks to Wayne's World I cringe at the sound of Bohemian Rhapsody, but there's just something about the booming drum beats and guitar licks praising everything Flash...

FLASH A-AH!
SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE
FLASH!
HE SAVE EVERYONE OF US
FLASH!
HE'S A MIRACLE
FLASH!
KING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE

HE'S FOR EVERYONE OF US
STAND FOR EVERYONE OF US
HE SAVE WITH A MIGHTY HABD
EVERY MAN EVERY WOMAN
EVERY CHILL - HE'S A MIGHTY
FLASH!

JUST A MAN
WITH A MAN'S COURAGE
NOTHING BUT A MAN
BUT HE CAN NEVER FAIL
NO - ONE BUT THEPURE IN HEART
MAY FIND THE GOLDEN GRAIL
..............................AH.................................
FLASH!

(Actual lyrics as transposed from CD booklet)

I've owned the South American DVD release since long before the official US one was put out but only recently did I get the sountrack. In addition to the music the goofiness is enhanced by bits of dialog and sound effects. As well as the inclusion of this frightful image.


Yes those are red vinyl pants Freddie is wearing.

Another thing Flash Gordon offers, at least to aficionados of groovy facial hair, it's a good movie for beards.

First, you have Max Von Sydow's Ming The Merciless sporting his Fu Man Chu. While mirroring Ming's original look to a T one wonders why he has to capture Earth women for his pleasure. This guy would be hip deep in chicks, not even Lobot or Jean-Luc Picard can compare to his crome-dominess. Of course some of the chicks would be lizard woman, but if green and scaly ain't his type he can always give them away to Captain Kirk. Not that James T. Kirk needs anyone's castoffs but he does know how to show them exotic alien gals a good time.



Next, we have Brian Blessed's Vultan, no crap CGI "youssa like-a da Gungans" here. Shinny gold wings, a nice big hokin' club, bare legs "gulp" and that big beard. Now that's a real beard! All burly, no peach fuzz for the king of the Hawkmen. I feel sorry for Mrs. Vultan when she cleans the shower drain, though. "Diiiive!!!"


Finally, Ole' Zorba himself, Topol's Doctor Zarkov, I don't think anymore needs to be said about this except maybe some Just For Men might be in order. I'm sure they carry it at the Mongo Walgreens, right next to the Bore Worms.


As an honorable mention, future James Bond, Timothy Dalton's Prince Barin doesn't sport a beard but never the less mugs it up with a sensational 'stache not to mention those sweet gloves that he either stole from Robin or Aquaman, my money's on Aquaman.


There truly is A LOT more that can be said about Flash Gordon, I haven't even touched on the ladies, Klytus or the whole homo-erotic subtext of the whip fight between Flash and Barin in Vultan's city. But that will have to wait for another time. Also I hope it doesn't come across as me hating on Flash, because quite the opposite is true, and with that I leave you on this uplifting note...