A Childhood Horror

Continuing with our weeklong Sesame Street extravaganza we now delve into a dark recessed childhood memory. Something so gruesome, so horrifying, mere words can not do it justice. Of course I'm talking about the stop motion orange singing Carmen...




I think it's the flower petal eyelashes that do it for me, maybe the rubber band mouth. But when the lights go down and she starts singer, well it's just creepy and disturbing.

...And now back to our show.

Yes, we have been gone for awhile and while I'd like to say it was because of very serious end-of-the-world important stuff, well that would be a lie. No the real reason for our prolonged absence was spending time with our old friends laziness and boredom. So with that out of the way this week we're coming back with a bang with Plastic Crap's weeklong salute to:

This is the pre-Elmo early '70s Sesame Street, when it was gritty and real and as our first entry into Sesame Week, here's a video clip that shows off just how gritty a kid's show could be back in the 1970s, Subway. Enjoy.

I Want My Matlock!

Andy Griffith is a staple of classic television, he belongs in a select category of actors who have played two (or more) popular roles on different successful shows. It was his later role as gruff defense attorney Ben Matlock that seemed to strike a chord with elderly viewers everywhere. Jay Leno may have started the joke that Matlock is the television hero for senior citizens and the Simpsons definitely helped to fan the flames of his immortal geriatric status. So it has become part of pop culture lore that old people love Matlock.
It's with that in mind that we present this cartoon, Arthur Barker is your average seventy-something living with his wife, Stella, at the Woodlawn Senior Apartments. The highlight of his day is his late afternoon episode of Matlock on TV Land. However sinister forces are at work to replace Matlock with programing aimed at a younger audience. Our hero rises to the occasion with a well placed call to customer service, an encounter with his neighbor, Jerry and a scary introduction to the world of DVD.

Flash A-ah!

The 1980 Flash Gordon movie may not be known as great cinema but to connoisseurs of bad sci fi it is somewhat of a masterpiece. Durring the post Star Wars sci fi boom of the late '70s and '80s we were treated on both the big and small screens to the likes of Buck Rogers In The 25th Century, Disney's The Black Hole, Battlestar Galactica (the original and ONLY real one), Roger Corman's Battle Beyond The Stars and of course Dino De Laurentiis's, Flash Gordon. Flash has it all: goofball acting, flashy sets, rocket ships and rayguns. The costumes alone are staggering, Ming's guards consist of at least a dozen different troop types. There is one thing though that sets Flash apart from it's contemporaries, they all stuck to the de-facto classical theme music while Flash, well, Flash rocks!



Yes, with it's music by Queen, that was even a selling point for the film. I'm not a big fan of Queen, I really don't consider myself a fan at all. Thanks to Wayne's World I cringe at the sound of Bohemian Rhapsody, but there's just something about the booming drum beats and guitar licks praising everything Flash...

FLASH A-AH!
SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE
FLASH!
HE SAVE EVERYONE OF US
FLASH!
HE'S A MIRACLE
FLASH!
KING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE

HE'S FOR EVERYONE OF US
STAND FOR EVERYONE OF US
HE SAVE WITH A MIGHTY HABD
EVERY MAN EVERY WOMAN
EVERY CHILL - HE'S A MIGHTY
FLASH!

JUST A MAN
WITH A MAN'S COURAGE
NOTHING BUT A MAN
BUT HE CAN NEVER FAIL
NO - ONE BUT THEPURE IN HEART
MAY FIND THE GOLDEN GRAIL
..............................AH.................................
FLASH!

(Actual lyrics as transposed from CD booklet)

I've owned the South American DVD release since long before the official US one was put out but only recently did I get the sountrack. In addition to the music the goofiness is enhanced by bits of dialog and sound effects. As well as the inclusion of this frightful image.


Yes those are red vinyl pants Freddie is wearing.

Another thing Flash Gordon offers, at least to aficionados of groovy facial hair, it's a good movie for beards.

First, you have Max Von Sydow's Ming The Merciless sporting his Fu Man Chu. While mirroring Ming's original look to a T one wonders why he has to capture Earth women for his pleasure. This guy would be hip deep in chicks, not even Lobot or Jean-Luc Picard can compare to his crome-dominess. Of course some of the chicks would be lizard woman, but if green and scaly ain't his type he can always give them away to Captain Kirk. Not that James T. Kirk needs anyone's castoffs but he does know how to show them exotic alien gals a good time.



Next, we have Brian Blessed's Vultan, no crap CGI "youssa like-a da Gungans" here. Shinny gold wings, a nice big hokin' club, bare legs "gulp" and that big beard. Now that's a real beard! All burly, no peach fuzz for the king of the Hawkmen. I feel sorry for Mrs. Vultan when she cleans the shower drain, though. "Diiiive!!!"


Finally, Ole' Zorba himself, Topol's Doctor Zarkov, I don't think anymore needs to be said about this except maybe some Just For Men might be in order. I'm sure they carry it at the Mongo Walgreens, right next to the Bore Worms.


As an honorable mention, future James Bond, Timothy Dalton's Prince Barin doesn't sport a beard but never the less mugs it up with a sensational 'stache not to mention those sweet gloves that he either stole from Robin or Aquaman, my money's on Aquaman.


There truly is A LOT more that can be said about Flash Gordon, I haven't even touched on the ladies, Klytus or the whole homo-erotic subtext of the whip fight between Flash and Barin in Vultan's city. But that will have to wait for another time. Also I hope it doesn't come across as me hating on Flash, because quite the opposite is true, and with that I leave you on this uplifting note...

Plastic Crap Toy Spotlight: Old Batman Figure

I've had this Batman for as long as I can remember. He's made of a very hard rubber and stands about four inches tall, he has certainly seen better days but at least he's a survivor unlike his Superfriend's comrades who have sadly been lost to time. I must of gotten him in 1973 or '74, I have no idea who the manufacturer is (there is nothing on him) but I am positive he came from Woolworth's. He wasn't packaged in the toy department but sold loose from a display case at the register. I know I also had a Robin and Superman and I am pretty sure there was a Wonder Woman too that I didn't want (being a small boy I had no interest in her). I'm certain there wasn't an Aquaman as he would have surely been my favorite and would still be etched in my memory.
I have found almost nothing about this guy online, one time I saw an auction for may have been the Robin that went with him . He had one arm at his side and the other outstretched, sadly my memory's a little fuzzy so I'm not sure. I'd love to find a complete set of these one day, but even a new minty fresh Batman could not replace this one. He's a witness to my childhood, he's weathered sandboxes, rain, snow and dogs. This guy has done time in the toy box alongside Star Wars figures, Adventure People, Megos. He's seen toys come and he's seen them go but he's still here and he's not going anywhere for a while.